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toi. wo. me.  name nguyen will sex it's been a while...
infatuations
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Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Just felt like writin'. Stuff to be addressed.Now playing: Jay Chou - Ju Hua Tai so this weekend was a pretty damn cool. juan and i put together a bangin' gayalies party with madonna as the theme (madonna-rama as we labeled it), though most credit goes to juan for bookin venue, downloadin the musik videos, and acquiring a projector to display huge movies of madonna on the wall. partay was a hit, packed from 11 onwards and inebriation was experienced by all (though i did start to panic when we ran dry around 1230-1). haha. juan and i started drinking as we set up the party around nine, so by the time it was bouncin, we were both pretty, um, content (hah). i dont remember half that night (tsk tsk i know), but there were a few key moments that night that did and will stick with me for a while, simply bc i couldnt explain it or bc it was very much meaningful to me. this falls in with the former. i distinctly remember feeling the urge to pick a fight. i have no idea why. i was slightly irritable, enraged, or jus feeling antsy (blame the alkie), but the aggressiveness had to be kept in check (though i do remember pinning raj against the couch, demanding that "we stay on good terms", lol which needless to say, was self-defeated. and i did beat (hit) juan a few times too for reasons i will explain below). i dont know why i was irritated, might be the fact that i see the same gay faces over and over and become subconsciously frustrated at the lack of change (read: scarcity of compatible men), might be the fact that some gays i feel seem to display everything that i abhor in a representative of the gay community (whorishness, desperation, 2 faced-ness, etc.). i have yet to figure out what the complete picture is, but i know for certain i have underlying anger/rage issues i need to deal with, issues with the gay community as well as issues with my own life (childhood?) in general. this memory falls in with the latter. so deep into the party, juan comes up to me and tells me that two separate people approached him and told him that they thought he and i were going out. ben even jokes that juan and i are like a married couple (im the husband of course ;) . haha. now im not upset about this in the slightest except for the fact that we both realized at that same moment that we had been cockblocking each other for THREE YEARS. lol. haha it doesnt seem like a big deal now of course as i sit here sober but for some reason, it was really upsetting that night, and i rained a shower of blows down upon juan. it was quite satisfying. juan had to restrain me. haha. but then we realized (with the help of mel as mediator i think. i cant remember too clearly the smaller details) that this misconception was actually a very good thing. im not going to lie -- juan and i spend a LOT of time together. we eat nearly every meal together and i can honestly say that he's one of my greatest friends here at yale and probably THE friend i feel i have bonded with deepest in all my life. i know --special right? ;] but seriously, were just really close. we enjoy each others company, we can laugh about everything, we have weird (sometimes disgusting/perverted) inside jokes that other people would prolly find morbid or just disturbing, and we are both extremely accepting and open to one another. there's pretty much nothing i wouldnt tell juan, just bc theres nothing that i would feel uncomfortable telling him. anyway i had to be calmed down a bit, but right afterward, we jus ended up drunkenly hugging on the back patio, with simultaneous "awww's" as we realized our 'cockblocking' was actually the result of a very meaningful thing. that memory stuck with me that night and probably will for a long time. hilariously, kristy told me the next day over brunch that when we hugged, while i had my head rested on his shoulder, he had openly declared that "now we are one..." as a corny joke. haha -- cheesy i know. ;D but it sits close to my heart. speaking of heart, im realizing more and more that in my idle time, when im walking to class, resting on a machine at the gym, or just lying in the bed staring at the stucco ceiling, i find that my mind ALWAYS wanders back to the happiest moments of my life - the moments i had spent with the men i gave pieces of my heart to. i think of all of them at one pt or another, some more than others. my mind constantly replays or thinks back to the extreme contentment i felt in those tiny but unforgettable moments of intimacy -- lying in the park together looking at the constellations, my first kiss, watching his chest slowly rise and fall as he laid sleeping next to me, cuddling on the couch together while watching contact and having him fall asleep with his head on my chest, lying in his arms with my head buried beneath his chin, our little game of cat and mouse between his bed and his futon...i dunno. its never the sexual intimacy that i remember most, its the moments of tenderness and fondness that i always think about. and i never instinctively think back to the bad memories either (and believe me there were plenty with each and every guy.) it takes effort to remind myself of the unpleasantness and i only do it when i need to stop myself from taking it any further. i suppose those just arent worth remembering. they do say your memories of people often improve with time, even if a person has caused u great hurt (and they have.) i also suppose this is why i cant ever completely 100% "let go", though i do try damn hard (up to 97-98%?). my emotions are usually kept in check with reason and reality, and i find happiness in everyday life. and it's not even that i miss them either...i think i jus desperately yearn to return to that paramount happiness or at least to relive the memory and experience the emotions again, even if just for a second. they were such glorious moments, and they make life so worthwhile. i live for those little moments. i really do. wiLLay [
12:32 AM ]
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