roight...in my efforts to postpone my chinese work a little more (wo hen xihuan xue zhongwen keshi shi ge xingqi tai duo le! ;P), ive decided that the mood is right for a little mind run. today was a particularly introspective day -- i dunno y, but after being slaughtered today in my chinese oral exam, it set off a slightly defeated, self-introspective mood that helps in progressing my development as a decent person. harhar.

in no particularly order, the shit thats run through my head and life this last half year or so that i can still remember. pardon the complete and utter lack of organization of this comin schpiel of emotions.

last friday night, i was in one of those moods again. i was looking though my gigs of old pictures from this summer and last school year. seeing all the pictures n video clips was rather bittersweet, the sweet being my awesomely closeknit bunch of off the walll friends - we got 'da crew' as well as a handful of other of beauts who for the last two years have provided me with a shoulder of reason and have entertained and offered me advice on my various gay crushes and lustful infuations- the bitter being old flames.

im very grateful to have a group of friends that through thick and thin (and shit i mean through the thickest of times...*cough* *cops* *cough* *seeing the dean n master several times* *cough* *coprocentric affairs [mary]*) will still stick together. we may have our differences and our contentious moments (juan...and u too mary. u baboon.), but our love of uninhibited and tactless behaviors (and food!) have managed to keep us cohesive and help us grow (or fester? haha) as a group. honestly, i really wouldnt have it any other way. i truly think im more myself with these people than i am with any1 else. it really is a no holds barred, anything goes, nothing is off topic kinda atmosphere - it is this atmosphere of complete n utter freedom that i enjoy the most. were all lazy fucks, we screw around A LOT, and we burn lots of time doing stupid shit, but we all know we didnt get into yale by accident. i have more admiration for these guys than they realize (and prolly more than i show) but really, hanging out with them, laughing with them, and making memories with them has given me some of the best years of my life...i dont think ive ever met people like them who share such disregard for and intolerance of inhibition - sexually, socially, emotionally, and otherwise. were like hippies, but a helluva lot sharper and prolly more perverted.

i find that with almost everyone else, i do have to keep a side of myself under wraps (usually the gratuitiously sexual side...either that or my slightly twisted sense of humor side). socially, i understand that tact needs to be inevitably exercised but really sometimes it really is stifling. the fact that u do have to be careful around people because they cant handle/tolerate/think ill of you for expressing who you are is always irritating to me, but im fully aware that i cant swim against the tide of society. until then, ill chill in this lil eddy that is the time with mah crew.

ah old flames, u really cant ever forget them can u? ill leave this part short as im not one who likes to hash or rile up bad memories. well keep it positive (KIP yall. KIP.) karlo - looking through the many pictures this last year has reinforced the fact that despite the terribly trying times weve been through, ull always have a place in my heart. The picture of us wearing our rings during xmas break I will treasure forever. u were right. people like you only come along so many times in life. u treated me like a king -- u cared for me so much and put up so gracefully with all my little quirks, (odd) demands, and sometimes irrationally asinine behavior. im sorry. i love u and i miss u.

ah mike, the first boyfriend. i have to admit ur hard to forget. i have more thoughts of u than i should after two years. i wouldnt call it time well spent. the other night, i was lying on my bed listening to love songs (i do that from time to time...i like wallowing in my romantic side ;). i hadnt thought about it in a longgggg time as i do make a conscious effort to forget all memories concerning you, but i rather out of the blue remembered my last nite in town before i headed up to yale freshman year. it was when we were sitting in my room and my mom was berating me for not packing THE NIGHT BEFORE I WAS HEADING UP TO YALE. (yeah now that i i think about it, she had good reason to yell.) u decided to go and i agreed that it was probably best. we hugged for what seemed like forever in my driveway and kissed our last kisses. and as i walked back to my house and you to your car, i could feel the cascade of emotions well up. by the time i got up to my room, i laid on my bed and cried harder than i had ever cried in my life. i really cant describe why. you were a lot of my firsts, and i was so angry that you were so unfairly being taken away from me. so i called you 5 minutes after you left, sobbing my heart out because i couldnt bear the fact that u were leaving me. and what u did next still stays with me to this day...


you cried for me too.


i waited 18 years of my life for you...
alas, uve already closed the door and driven off...but im still here trying to say my goodbyes...im a tragic figure indeed...

*SIGH* damn...i really am not this wishy-washy all the time. haha, but i suppose i have my moments...ah this mysterious thing called love...surely it is more than just a series of chemical reactions in the brain. This emotion...its something im still grappling with...to love myself, to love others. That's the goal in life. Anything else just isn't worth living for. its cliche but i think it resonates truer than anything else in this life.

roight, time for the more awesomely kickass things in me loife. it is a good life indeed and these past few months have reminded me over and over again how lucky i have it.

Three words have defined my life these past several months: NEW YORK CITY!! Fuck yes...During my 10 weeks here at yale studying chinese, the best memories have revolved around this amazing city with mah crew. It really is the center of the world and we made it the center of debauchery.

MTVVVVVV bitches. Highlight of the summer was, hands down, going down to NYC and auditioning to become a news anchor/correspondent for MTV news. Roight--heres how that shit went down.

This was like 4 - 5 weeks ago, some random late night (I don't remember which), I was watching this show on mtv, fresh meat, that road rules / real world challenge show where all those old castmates compete n shit....so anyway, I saw this reeeally hot gay guy on the show so I was like fuck I have to look him up. Haha what can I say, im a sucker for a stud. While I was on the mtv website I started randomly browsing and I stumbled across this page advertising cast calls, one of them being for mtv news. I figured what the hey. Ill give it a shot, don't have anything to lose. All they asked for was a picture and a writing sample so I couldn't complain that it was too much work. I had both bases covered (and frankly if they asked for more, I prolly wouldn't have applied.) haha. Lazy indeed. I sent it in with this quirky email which I tried to use to exhibit my personality a bit. Throw in a lil coothness, a lil silliness, a joke here n there, told them they needed more (gay) asian men on the network. Tried to jazz it up a lil bit for mtv. Show them I wasn't a complete nerd. The subject line to the email was something like "THAT JOB AS MTV NEWS CORRESPONDENT IS MINE." I wanted to get their attention. ;]

I didn't think I'd get a response honestly, I figured id try but I heard it was notoriously hard to get into anything mtv from some of my friends who have applied for the real world. So like a week later, I get this random email from this rep in mtv casting who was like "hey, where are you currently?" and "do u have a resume?" I WAS COMPLETELY FLOORED and I have to say, it was a sense of accomplishment that I hadn't felt in a longgg time, granted it was a rather "easy" accomplishment in that I didn't really do much. Hah. Well I suppose I had to work on my writing skills all my life and they liked my sample so accomplishment there...? Right? RIGHT?! Anyway, I was stoked that they even responded to my entry and I promptly responded, telling them I was at yale and that I was a mere hour long train ride away from where they were. As for the resume, I told them that I wouldn't hesitate to make one for them if needed.

After a week of no response, I assumed they had gotten a ton of other entries and figured they had forgotten about me. A bit disheartening but I was proud to have even gotten communicae from mtv, that huge corporate monster that it is. So about a week later, I had jus come home from the gym and lo n behold, ANOTHER email from mtv. This shit was getting ridiculous. I didn't see it comin but apparently, for some reason I have yet to fathom, mtv wanted me to come down to their studios in times square the next week and audition for them. At this point, I was past holy shit. Everything about this experience was absolutely riveting. it was such an unrivaled opportunity and i loved it. It was an amazing feeling and one which im lucky to say I got to share with a lot of loved ones -- friends, siblings, and even my mom! (who rather predictably as an asian mother wasn't so riveted about mtv and instead chose to lecture me on not dropping out of school. I wuv her. ;)

So I spent the next week working on my resume (in actuality, I didn't start working on it till two days before I had to head down to nyc...even for this, I cant help but procrastinate...I dunno wtf is wrong with me)...after a long night and a half, as well as a critique session as ucs, I had a go on my resume, went n bought nice resume paper (I didn't even know there was such a thing), and proceeded to make a nice lil package to give to mtv. It was real cute...nice n classy. Teehee.

The thing I was most apprehensive about though was the fact that their like 3 sentence emails didn't give me a clue as to what to expect. I was frantically searching the internet for keywords like "mtv news audition" and "audition tips" but honestly, I didn't find shit and nothing was really all that helpful. I even went onto youtube and looked up videos of suchin pak jus to see what kind of stuff they wanted. Didn't really help...I ended up goin down to nyc with the jitteriest of nerves. O man u shoulda seen me in Chinese class a couple of hours before I was about to head down. I was spazzin OUT, a little unhinged if i do say so mahself. I was like pissed off about my hair bc it was too damn long to style (I jus wore a cap and then when I got to mtv, took it off so I got this cute flattened shaggy hair look...it turned out pretty well) and I wasn't too sure about my outfit. For some reason, they said I shouldn't wear white, and the outfit I had planned out DID have white so I had to make a substitute, and well I liked the look but it coulda been better. I went with my nice, tight boot cut/flare dark jeans, with a light blue button down collar shirt under a black tight spandex shirt, and sneakers. Figure I go for the classy prep with an edge look. After all, they say with tv, appearance is everything.

Then on top of worries about visuals, we had the fact that I, in the last week I had until my auditions, failed to prepare for jackness. I figured id wing it...every1 tol me to be myself in my audition and I figured this was the best way to do it. The only prep session I planned (outside of staring into a mirror and uttering things like "this is will nguyen and im your new mtv news correspondent" with the cheesiest of dimpled smiles and a bewildered look here and there, eyes darting back n forth) was supposed to be during the train ride to the city. Instead, I ended up falling asleep. (Ah sleep, u really will be the end of me.) I was planning on taking a spiral out and giving myself a pump up session where id write motivational things about myself, what I was proud of, what I loved about myself, my strengths, my shortcomings...anything that would help me be in full realization of myself. I wanted to come across as someone who knew himself well, who had confidence in his words. needless to say, it didn't materialize as I had planned and I ended up soothing myself with words as I walked from grand central to the studios in the middle of times square. Luckily, the sleep had calmed down my nerves quite a bit and for some reason, I became quite content. I had gotten this far, I was in nyc preparing to audition, and I couldn't be prouder. i figured even if I bombed this audition, I had accomplished something very few people in this country could say they did, and that was enough to save me from the brute force that could be rejection.

O and it also helped that I was being a little superstitious. Im normally not very into that shit (its all in the mind I say) but dammit I was hanging on any bit of hope that I could get my hands on. During the 2 weeks between my first email from mtv and the audition, I had ladybugs repeatedly fly into my room and land somewhere near me. Once right before the first email, once right before the second email, and then a day or two before the audition, a third ladybug flew in. I was convinced it was a sign! I would indeed succeed in life! Haha. I doublechecked online that indeed ladybugs were usually a sign of good luck so I went down to the city knowing that I had the (imagined) blessings of good luck from the animal kingdom. It helped a bit. ;D

Roight imma stop here for now seeing as how ive been typing for da last three hours. (but dammit i could type for pages on end! i havent even scratched the surface of this summer...more tried and true tales of ridiculousness, especially with "da crew" to come.) No worries yall. Willy ai ni!

awww skeez skeez skeez mothafuckaaaa IIIIIIIID ~ ~ ~ . i love it. i love it.

wiLLay [ 9:42 PM ]

3 Comments:

• ur fat loose waight

  By  Anonymous, at 8/08/2006 1:22 AM  

• REFLECK BEFO U WRECK MARYYY. GET OUUUUUUUAHHHH LIFE THAT IS MY OWWWWN.

  By  wiLLay, at 8/08/2006 3:52 AM  

• you're goot at writing and building up a story that you never told...ie how was your audition? nerd.

  By  Anonymous, at 8/08/2006 11:37 AM  

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